Many people are starting to talk about the Mother Wound as it has become more familiar, but there is a depth to this conversation you have yet to receive. When we are born we are plopped into this existence and that moment, and the way we are mothered from that moment on, is the birthplace of our emotional self. This “emotional self” is how we relate to others. This is the backdrop to how we later show up in relationships whether those are romantic, parenting, or professional relationships.
We are conditioned to believe the myth that all mothers automatically love their children, that no one can/will love you more than your mother, that all mothers enjoy being mothers and that mothers always do what is best for their children. Unfortunately, this is simply not always the case. When a mother does not show up in the way that her child needs her to, it can cause an attachment injury known as a mother wound. Most often, when you have been living with a mother wound, you know it, even if you’ve never talked about it or known it by its name, you know; but sometimes, it’s just a certain kind of void, or emotional pain, you’ve never been able to define. Either way, learning about and healing your mother wound is crucial because it helps you address and resolve deep-seated emotional issues that have been hindering your romantic life, and likely other areas of your life.
Healing the mother wound can be a game-changer for finding and maintaining fulfilling romantic relationships.
When we address and mend those emotional wounds, we not only gain a better understanding of our own needs and boundaries but also improve our ability to communicate and connect with others. This inner work helps us build healthier, more authentic relationships, paving the way for love that truly resonates and lasts. Black women are already winning when it comes to education, careers and entrepreneurship. Now, let's do the work so that we can WIN at getting the kind of love we actually want and need.
What is a mother wound?
The mother wound, also known as, mother harm, mother trauma, mother hunger, or mother grief, refers to the emotional pain that stems from unmet needs experienced as a child. This wound often results from a mother's inability to provide adequate emotional support, validation, or nurturing, and can manifest in various ways, such as difficulties in forming healthy relationships, struggles with self-worth, and challenges in setting boundaries.
This wound can happen in a very direct and obvious way (like physical abuse) or in subtle ways (physically present but unable to offer the safety, nurturing, attention, warmth, protection and guidance that we need to feel truly loved).
How does it happen?
A variety of factors can contribute to the development of a mother wound in a child. It can happen if their mother:
Is unavailable to the child, whether she lived outside of the home due to divorce or loss of custody, living in another country due to immigration issues/status, incarcerated; or
Has unprocessed experiences of physical or emotional abuse themselves, making it difficult for them to be emotionally available for their child.
Resists their negative emotions, potentially even reprimanding them for expressing their negative feelings.
Meets their physical but not their emotional needs. For example, not providing them with comfort, warmth, empathy and emotional safety.
Has a critical mindset toward their child.
Expects the child to cater to their own physical and emotional needs.
Excessively caters to the child in a way that interferes with the child's ability to be independent. For example, “helicopter” mom.
Is addicted to alcohol or drugs.
Struggles with an untreated mental health condition.
What are the internal signs?
It’s not always easy knowing whether you experienced the mother wound as a child although your feelings towards your mom may be one indication. Each mother/child relationship is different and each wound is unique but there are lots of commonalities. Some signs may be very direct, while others are subtle. Here are some signs that you may have experienced the mother wound:
You feel like your mother didn’t love you
Your feel anger or resentment toward your mother
Ongoing desire to win your mother’s approval
You felt a sense of responsibility to look after or care for your mother
Your mom expects “perfection” from you
Feeling anxious, stressed or agitated in anticipation of seeing her or after seeing her
Going out of your way to avoid her
Feeling triggered by her or having old negative memories or feelings (even if you have a good relationship with her)
If this happens in childhood why is it important now as an adult?
The mother wound can impact the way you feel about yourself and how you show up in life and in relationships. Here are some of the signs you may be able to identify:
Low self-esteem
Difficulties understanding and managing your emotions
Detachment
Trust issues
Feeling pressure to be perfect
Relationship problems (including patterns of codependency and self-sabotage)
Negative/critical inner voice
A deep-rooted fear of becoming like your mother
Insecure attachment style (for example: anxious or avoidant)
When considering these signs and symptoms, it’s worth bearing in mind that mother wounds may manifest differently from person to person, and look different in sons than daughters.
CLICK HERE for support healing your Mother Wound.
"If you are curious about therapy but are feeling shy, note that there is no commitment. We can meet for one online appointment, see if we're a good fit, and take it from there. My aim is to help you find joy, stress less, and ultimately live a healthier lifestyle. Contact me for information about my services. I think you'll be glad you did!"
- Cynthia Branch
Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Mental Health Provider
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